Bipolar: Picking Up The Pieces

I am not an expert in bipolar disorder and am certainly not a doctor. At no point did I receive training in the illness or even formal familiarization. However, in the mid-1990s, my then-wife was bipolar, and whatever I learned about bipolar, and it was a lot, was from 'living' with her.
To begin with, bipolar disorder is one characterized by extreme highs and lows where it involves emotions, moods and physical activity.

When someone "cycles," or shifts between extremely high activity and positive mood to extremely low activity and mood, there is even a change in personality. The change in personality can be so total it is amazing. However, as I understand it, some people who are bipolar cycle frequently while others do not.

Why know this? Most people are not impacted by bipolar disorder. Well, true enough. But I am speaking to those people who are and their families, friends and loved ones. Because bipolar disorder is no joke. I went through hell with my ex-wife for two years,  before I absolutely could not take it anymore and divorced her. No one wants a divorce, not ever, but it all went too far. And why? She wouldn't take her medication because she "liked the way her highs felt and wasn't going to give them up." She would explain, "I feel on top of the world when I am on an 'up-cycle,' " she said.

Maybe Mary (her name wasn't Mary, but why be vindictive?) was having a good time, but I sure as hell wasn't. And, I went to see her psychiatrist, and he explained this disorder as best he could to me to try and understand and help Mary. However, Mary was having none of it. Despite the fact she went to her psychiatrist and therapist loyally, she would not take medication for long stretches and then only take meds for a little while.

So, here's what I didn't sign up for when I married her: sexual promiscuity with other men, extreme use of drugs and alcohol, spending sprees on credit that we could not pay back, tirades and screaming, all-night 'processing feelings,' days of not leaving the couch or showering, unexplained absences for long periods and generalized insanity; every single day, no let-up. And, at that time, she exhibited no signs she wanted help or treatment at all despite the fact she openly lied to her clinicians as she received their treatment (which she would not implement at home). In Mary's case, she was deceptive to her doctors and caregivers.

Not all people afflicted with bipolar disorder are impacted as heavily by the disorder as Mary, nor are deceitful to doctors during care. But, Mary sure as hell was. And, none of that was necessary. Thank God for medical advances in the Modern Era, which possesses medication to arrest the disorder so people with it may have long and relatively normative lives. But, there is a common problem in some people effected by the disease in that they will not take their medications because they like the 'high' that comes along with it, from what I have seen in my experience.

Mary stood her ground: No meds! Well, no marriage can stand up to a partner flaunting out-of-relationship sexual liaisons in another partner's face, or spending every cent and more than they have, or coming home to find another partner 'coked up' or drunk, or sleeping for days and stinking from not showering, not working and when not constantly attacking me in one cycle, crying for forgiveness in the other.

Right out of college, where we met, Mary was a young teacher who immediately found a position in the Piscataway, New Jersey school district. She taught art. Meanwhile, I received a job as a small-town reporter out of college, but I was ambitious and eager to rise through the ranks.

Mary didn't take her medications, so she couldn't find time to work after that and quickly quit/lost her job (hard to tell which). Then, rather than support me, she turned our marriage into a sham and almost cost me my entire career. How we would have lived I do not know.

I remember one Christmas like it was yesterday. When she was 'up' on a cycle, she used our credit cards to buy gifts for not only her mother and sister but also for cousins she hadn't seen in years, as well as high-school and college friends she was out of contact with. And, she said she didn't care if we didn't have a dime, because she "was going to be happy this Christmas no matter what!" And, after Christmas? She said, "We can kill ourselves after Christmas and be done with everything!"

No joke, folks, I didn't think that sounded bad. No, I did not want to divorce my wife. I loved her. Despite the fact I had been married previously, I worked as hard as I could in my marriage to Mary because I do not really believe in divorce. But let me tell you, no one in the Bible ever had to deal with a woman like this. And, there is a point at which no one can take it anymore. I made it to that point and beyond.

Luckily, I didn't have to decide about going on, because after a string of affairs on me, Mary fell "in love" with a degenerate gambler and decided to take up with him. She made my decision for me. He wasn't just a gambler: He was the kind of gambler who had loan sharks and bookies looking for him. He had to sell television sets from his home, steal from his parents and run and hide to avoid beatings by people he owed money to because of gambling and/or drugs.

Well, I cannot say I wished her well at the time. My heart was broken, my wallet was bare, my ego was stomped upon and  I barely managed to hold on to my career, which I ended up more than salvaging and ended up doing quite well at for some time. I had to go through Chapter 7 Bankruptcy, though, because she buried me in debt.

The last time I saw her face-to-face was after I received a job as an editor for a large weekly newspaper in Middletown, New Jersey. Mary came to my office demanding something or other after our divorce was final. I informed her we were no longer married, business between us was settled and anything between us had been addressed in a Monmouth County, New Jersey courtroom. Still, she persisted. It ended with me threatening to call the police to have her removed from the building. And then, despite all of the mess, there was finally silence -- blessed silence.

Why was all this needed? Not because Mary was a bad person. Mary was and is a very good person, who is now remarried and has a kid. I believe she takes her medication now, and probably doesn't miss a dose. She doesn't want her life falling apart around her again.

From talking to Mary's doctor and doing independent research in the library about bipolar disorder, I learned it is not uncommon for people with the disorder to go on spending sprees with money they don't have, be so hyper sexual with random people they become promiscuous despite serious relationship obligations, lose jobs from not showing up or not clean themselves and sleep for days.

If you are in a relationship with a bipolar person, you better understand what you are getting into with a person so afflicted by talking to a doctor or other credible medical person for advice. Like I said, not everyone is as heavily impacted by the disorder as Mary. And, Mary would have been, could have been fine if she had just have taken her medication: It was that important.

Mary never told me she had bipolar disorder before we got married. We had only known each other a few months and got married spontaneously in, no joke,  Las Vegas, Nevada. Nevertheless, I took this marriage very seriously. I paid for being haphazard and spontaneous for a long time.

This is why I urge people to understand the disorder by talking to professionals. They can decide what they want to do from there. But, bipolar disorder is serious business that deserves serious attention and support by everyone involved. Bipolar disorder may make people with the disorder spontaneous, but there is nothing spontaneous about addressing it -- and people should know that in order to help whomever they know with it.

Again, thanks for stopping by and I'll be talking to you later...alligator.