Kerr to Speak at Lyons Vet. Administration Event in N.J.

Popular Chronicles contributor David Kerr, the founder of Integrity House, in Newark, New Jersey will be speaking at the Lyons VA Campus, Bldg. 143, Lyons, New Jersey on Tuesday, Dec. 6, 2016.

The purpose of the event, which is hosted by MTI, is to provide career information to veterans in recovery from drugs and/or alcohol. Veterans of all military services, and/or their family members are invited to this free event.

This program is specific to veterans and veterans' families from the North Jersey Area of the state.

Refreshments will be served. For more information, call Jim Purcell at (973) 224-6667.

The New Year: 2016

By REV JIM PURCELL

As this upcoming year represents my half-century mark, it is a time to take stock.

Am I where I thought I would be, doing what I thought I would be doing? Are there people in my life whom I thought would still be here? Am I living in that awesome place where I thought I would be at this age so long ago?

Well, as that list goes, I am not looking too badly. Not shabby at all. But, life didn't go the way I expected to get here, and most of my big plans for myself fell apart at one time or another. So, while I may be in that space, that place, where I thought I would be -- I took the strangest route I could have imagined.

Isn't that what life is anyway? Like the old saying goes: Men make plans and God laughs. Well, with me, he must have been rolling on the floor. So, why couldn't I have just taken the wide, easy path to where I am now? Why did it have to be so damn hard?

Well, adversity builds character, real character. When things get hard and times are trying, those are the moments when people learn empathy, forgiveness and real determination. No, it is not the kind of determination that Rocky showed against Draco in the montage scenes of Rocky IV. It is not the kind of determination to climb K2 or Mount Everest. Sometimes, the hardest thing to do for someone is to lose something they loved and treasured and then just wake up the next morning and get out of bed.

You know, as time clicks by, I have had a few friends and loved ones leave this world. Of course, being at about the same age, there are some of these friends and loved ones who died young. I noticed, though, that something my friends who passed early have in common is that they smoked and drank to excess. They lived life badly, being angry or scornful. They refused to change inwardly from their youth, and growing old and living crazy is not a match made in heaven. Not finding peace with yourself and living healthy will send you to heaven, for sure, but dying because of something like smoking too much is just prolonged suicide.  Someone is just biding their time, in that case, to leave this world as soon as they case.

For the past three years I have been working hard on my recovery from alcohol and anger, both of which consumed me for many years. I believed I was unfairly cheated, robbed of things that were precious to me. Well, there is something else about life we each learn at some point or other: It isn't fair, not in this world. Not yet. But, the knack to living is being able to go on and still search for whatever makes us happy.

More than money or position, land or jobs I always wanted peace and peace of mind. It has been a successful life in that I have found my piece of peace. I do not wish to to great things anymore, and while I like to work no one could characterize me as ambitious anymore. I learned that it is better to be at peace with one's self and their surroundings than to be fighting for the top spot.

In the end, somehow I have always knew, that we will not judge ourselves on how much money is in the bank, how big the car was, or how grand one's house was. In the end, what we each will judge ourselves is how we lived our lives, what we learned from those lives and how much peace we were each able to find in our hearts. Don't get me wrong -- big houses and cars are great. Yet, they are only things, which rust and breakdown and they do not shine forever. Only the human spirit shines for ever, and making that spirit brighter will shine forever.

Happy 2016 for everyone who visits the Chronicles, enjoy the year and blessings to you and yours.

The road to recovery can be a hard one

BY REV JIM PURCELL

I ran across a story one of my former friends penned, and there are striking similarities to my own story and the main character in her story. Though this story was crafted as a work of fiction, I certainly recognize the truth of a time in my life in its paragraphs. And, reading this very good work reminded me of some very hard times, indeed.

Today, I am an alcoholic in recovery. As well as being in recovery I also deal day-to-day with psychiatric illness, which is a struggle (though it is a struggle I beat every time I make good, positive life choices, exercise and diet appropriately). Anyone can become an alcoholic. There are always a thousand 'good reasons' to take a drink. But, there is only one excellent reason for not drinking: Alcohol was not made for all people and some people are alcoholic and others aren't.

This main character "Eric" is a broken man, reduced to living in the streets, a victim of his own demons. The story the author penned is not 100 percent accurate, and the author, I am sure, never intended it to be so or regarded as a work of non-fiction. Nowhere in this work does the author say I was an inspiration to her, but I have a 'psychic twinkle' about this one -- because this is a hard story to make up (and an even harder one to live). This tale does bear a very close resemblance to a reality I lived, while in my addictions and being untreated for PTSD while living in Keansburg.

I was there during Hurricane Sandy and was one of so many who faced the blunt-force trauma of that storm's fury. This is not a sympathetic treatment of the "Eric" character, and that is fine because (if this was based upon me) in those days there wasn't much to inspire very much sympathy about me in others. 

After I lost a child, whatever shred of sanity I had was buried with him in Lincoln, Nebraska in 2012. I became lost; heck, I was lost even before that, I suppose. This story would, if it followed my actual timeline, take place about the same time I actually did move back to Keansburg in the wake of that great loss. 

I have to say, this is wonderfully written by the author. This can be a story to inspire people about what a true 'bottom' might look like in one's life. If for no other reason, this tale can be a cautionary tale for those who are wandering down the path to addiction.

You see, addiction grabbed hold of me and destroyed who I was and mental illness was there at every turn, making the world around me someplace dark and menacing. As you read this story, I want you to keep in mind that there is a lot of truth in these words and those who view it should know that, if anything, the author made this tale more palatable for mainstream audiences and that the actual truth of those times for me, and others like me who I knew, was even darker than in her pages. 

I came back to life through recovery, which is available to all of us. All any of us have to do to recover is be tired of being sick and tired of addiction. Similarly, to those who suffer from mental illness and refuse to take meds, I ask how illegal drugs or alcohol helps to put their life back on track. Fixing substance addiction problems without addressing psychological disorders is as useful as fixing a funnel but leaving a whole in the bottom of the bucket you are trying to fill up.

Recovery works and is available in any one of thousands of meetings that take place all across this great nation and even the world every single day. 

I wish the author all success and praise their work. There is no better story than the one that has the possibility of touching the lives of others. 

The Key Factor in Addiction Recovery

Positive Lifestyle Change

The Key Factor in Addiction Recovery

By David H. Kerr                  January 22, 2015

What is addiction? 

Is it a disease?  Is it a sickness?  Is it a mental health problem? Is it a moral failing?  Is it a crime? Is it a harmful lifestyle?  Is it something else?  The debate roars on but today I would rather call addiction a harmful lifestyle. Addiction is a lifestyle choice that harms self and others, no debate about that. 

How can people recover from addiction?

The National Institute on Drug Abuse classifies addiction as a medical disorder: Considering that, here’s what they say about how to recover from addiction:

“How Can People Recover Once They’re Addicted? – NIDA’s points

1)     As with any other medical disorder that impairs the function of vital organs, repair and recovery of the addicted brain depends on targeted and effective treatments that must address the complexity of the disease. We continue to gain new insights into ways to optimize treatments to counteract addiction’s powerful disruptive effects on brain and behavior because we now know that with prolonged abstinence, our brains can recover at least some of their former functioning, enabling people to regain control of their lives.

2)     That said, the chronic nature of the disease means that relapsing to drug abuse is not only possible but likely, with relapse rates similar to those for other well-characterized chronic medical illnesses such as diabetes, hypertension, and asthma. For all these diseases, including drug abuse, treatment involves changing deeply embedded behaviors, so lapses should not be considered failure but rather indicate that treatment needs to be reinstated or adjusted, or that alternate treatment is needed. But addicted individuals also need to do their part. Even though they are dealing with a compromised brain that affects decision-making and judgment, people with drug abuse or addiction must also take responsibility to get treatment and actively participate in it.”

To help an addict, I have found it more practical to see addiction as an acquired harmful lifestyle with possible genetic origins rather than or as well as a sickness or disease.  Changing the addiction lifestyle is a major factor leading to lasting recovery!  It usually involves finding new friends who are positive and changing our interests and where we work and “play.”  As they say in AA, changing “people, places and things” is required for recovery[1].

Mankind has always been curious, always seeking quick ways to feel happier and/or ways to be quickly removed from intolerable physical or mental stress and pain.  Many substances now legal or illegal, fill that need.  This is where the trouble can begin and for some, at an early age and then lasting a lifetime.  Media advertisements for opioid pain killers plus word of mouth descriptions of the good feelings associated with taking these legal medications and illegal drugs, especially heroin, fuel the curiosity and soon comes the statement, “I want to try this just once!”  Often this “once” leads to years of addiction to the pain killers and then for some, to heroin!  Situations like war can cause rampant drug abuse and addiction so that many of our veterans are returning physically addicted or detoxifying on the plane ride home.

The same positive lifestyle changing goals we use for addicts in long term recovery often work for returning war veterans.  Those returning soldiers who want to stay clean and sober here in the states, often have to break ties with veteran friends who choose to continue to use drugs upon returning to the states.  They must avoid the places that are known hangouts for addicts and substance abusers as well.  They must avoid the kind of idleness that often is the open door for the addiction lifestyle to enter.  They must move forward and/or relearn a new positive healthy lifestylethat will promote their feeling of self-worth, a critical ingredient to staying clean and sober for any length of time.

Finally, you’ll be interested and perhaps surprised to know that the vast majority of addicts whom I have met, know this!  While this knowledge is essential, it is only the first step towards building that new and durable drug free lifestyle.  Doing what they know they should have been doing for years, is the key to building the bridge to lasting recovery.  How do you get an addict to start doing and stay doing what he/she already knows is right?  Now there’s the key question.  The technical answer to this is “you don’t.” 

Remember, the addict doesn’t need a “counselor” he[2] needs a coach since the addict is his own counselor!  The addict must go through the process of healing himself.  He must do it but he can’t do it alone.  He needs someone by his side to remind him of his “good” and his strengths so that he can begin the process of restoring his faith in himself.  He may need to enter a drug free residential program that is long-term focusing on lifestyle change rather than on medically oriented treatment.

Author Johann Hari in his new book, “Chasing the Scream” offers his point of view about addiction.  Although not agreeing with all of them, I find that his ideas are more consistent with my experiences and understanding of the addicts I have met since 1965.  The title of Hari’s article below is: “The Likely Cause of Addiction Has Been Discovered, and It Is Not What You Think.”  Hari traveled across the country interviewing addicts and compiling a picture of their lives and addiction itself.  Here are eighteen points from his thinking and understanding that are well worth a look:

1)      “But what I learned on the road is that almost everything we have been told about addiction is wrong - and there is a very different story waiting for us, if only we are ready to hear it.”

2)     Hari even reviewed the studies of rats, designed to predict the reason for addiction.  In an experiment with rats giving them a choice of good or drugged water, “the rats with good lives didn't like the drugged water. They mostly shunned it, consuming less than a quarter of the drugs the isolated rats used. None of them died. While all the rats who were alone and unhappy became heavy users, none of the rats who had a happy environment did.”

3)     In a comparison with soldiers who went to war and became addicted: “But in fact, some 95 percent of the addicted soldiers - according to the same study - simply stopped (when they returned to the states). Very few had rehab. They shifted from a terrifying cage (as per the rat experiment above) back to a pleasant one, so they didn't want the drug any more.”

4)     “Professor Alexander argues this discovery is a profound challenge both to the right-wing view that addiction is a moral failing caused by too much hedonistic partying, and the liberal view that addiction is a disease taking place in a chemically hijacked brain. In fact, he argues, addiction is an adaptation. It's not you. It's your cage.”

5)     “In the hospital around you, there will be plenty of people also given heroin for long periods, for pain relief. The heroin you will get from the doctor will have a much high purity and potency than the heroin being used by street-addicts, who have to buy from criminals who adulterate it. So if the old theory of addiction is right - it's the drugs that cause it; they make your body need them - then it's obvious what should happen. Loads of people should leave the hospital and try to score smack on the streets, to meet their habit. But here's the strange thing. It virtually never happens. The Canadian doctor Gabor Mate was the first to explain to me, medical users just stop, despite months of use. The same drug, used for the same length of time, turns street-users into desperate addicts - and leaves medical patients unaffected.”

6)     “The drug is the same, but the environment is different.”

7)      “But in fact, some 95 percent of the addicted soldiers - according to the same study - simply stopped. Very few had rehab. They shifted from a terrifying cage back to a pleasant one, so they didn't want the drug any more.

8)     Professor Alexander argues this discovery is a profound challenge both to the right-wing view that addiction is a moral failing caused by too much hedonistic partying, and the liberal view that addiction is a disease taking place in a chemically hijacked brain.  In fact, he argues, addiction is an adaptation. It's not you. It's your cage.”

9)     “He says we should stop talking about 'addiction' altogether, and instead call it 'bonding'. A heroin addict has bonded with heroin because she couldn't bond as fully with anything else.

10)  So the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is human connection.”

11)   “You can have all the addiction, and none of the chemical hooks. I went to a Gamblers' Anonymous meeting in Las Vegas (with the permission of everyone present, who knew I was there to observe) and they were as plainly addicted as the cocaine and heroin addicts I have known in my life. Yet there are no chemical hooks on a craps table.”

12)  “But the Office of the Surgeon General has found that just 17.7 percent of cigarette smokers are able to stop using nicotine patches. That's not nothing. If the chemicals drive 17.7 percent of addiction, as this shows, that's still millions of life ruined globally. But what it reveals again is that the story we have been taught about The Cause of Addiction lying with chemical hooks is, in fact, real, but only a minor part of a much bigger picture.”

13)  “There is an alternative. You can build a system that is designed to help drug addicts to reconnect with the world - and so leave behind their addictions.”

14)  “The results of all this are now in. An independent study by the British Journal of Criminology found that since total decriminalization, addiction has fallen, and injecting drug use is down by 50 percent.”

15)  “The rise of addiction is a symptom of a deeper sickness in the way we live - constantly directing our gaze towards the next shiny object we should buy, rather than the human beings all around us.”

16)  “The writer George Monbiot has called this "the age of loneliness."We have created human societies where it is easier for people to become cut off from all human connections than ever before. Bruce Alexander - the creator of Rat Park - told me that for too long, we have talked exclusively about individual recovery from addiction. We need now to talk about social recovery - how we all recover, together, from the sickness of isolation that is sinking on us like a thick fog.”

17)   “Loving an addict is really hard. When I looked at the addicts I love, it was always tempting to follow the tough love advice doled out by reality shows like Intervention - tell the addict to shape up, or cut them off. Their message is that an addict who won't stop should be shunned. It's the logic of the drug war, imported into our private lives. But in fact, I learned, that will only deepen their addiction - and you may lose them all together. I came home determined to tie the addicts in my life closer to me than ever - to let them know I love them unconditionally, whether they stop, or whether they can't.”

18)  “When I returned from my long journey, I looked at my ex-boyfriend, in withdrawal, trembling on my spare bed, and I thought about him differently. For a century now, we have been singing war songs about addicts. It occurred to me as I wiped his brow - we should have been singing love songs to them all along.”

Summary

As we work to help addicts relate to and feel their own self-worth let’s be sure to understand that a critical part of this is for the addict in recovery to choose and practice a new drug free lifestyle!

Abuse and Addiction to Drugs such as Pain Killers, Alcohol and Food

 

 

By David H. Kerr, March 16, 2014

 

Kathleen O'Brien, writer for The Star-Ledger has summarized the National Safety Council's report on addiction and overdose stating that:

 

"Accidental poisonings — chiefly drug and alcohol overdoses — have supplanted motor vehicle crashes as the biggest cause of unintentional death in New Jersey, according to the latest report by the National Safety Council."  See her report below printed in the Ledger on March 14.^th."

With our growing "pain sensitive" culture, addictive drugs continue to be promoted as a palliative to reduce or to extinguish the pain. One problem solved and another more serious problem created.  Make sense? Not to me. 

"In looking at the history of substance abuse over thousands of years, here’s a quote that seems applicable: "It's been my experience, Langford, that the past always has a way of returning. Those who don't learn, or can't remember it, are doomed to repeat it." ―Steve Berry,The Charlemagne Pursuit

We've been here before.  Morphine was the high potency legal drug until 1898 when heroin was distilled from morphine as a more potent opiate painkiller.  With millions of Americans using these drugs, we soon noticed the harm they caused. As a result, we passed a law regulating and taxing the importation and distribution of opiates and coca products in 1914 called "The Harrison Narcotics Act."

The Harrison Narcotics Tax Act (Ch. 1, 38 Stat. 785) was a United States federal law that regulated and taxed the production, importation, and distribution of opiates and coca products. The act was proposed by Representative Francis Burton Harrison of New York and was approved on December 17, 1914.^[1][2]

"An Act to provide for the registration of, with collectors of internal revenue, and to impose a special tax on all persons who produce, import, manufacture, compound, deal in, dispense, sell, distribute, or give away opium or coca leaves, their salts, derivatives, or preparations, and for other purposes." The courts interpreted this to mean that physicians could prescribe narcotics to patients in the course of normal treatment, but not for the treatment of addiction.

Although technically illegal for purposes of distribution and use, the distribution, sale and use of cocaine was still legal for registered companies and individuals.

While heroin was first controlled in the US in 1914, it continued to be used for medicinal purposes. In 1924 though, Congress made the production and sale of heroin illegal, due to obvious harsh health consequences resulting from its continued and excessive use and abuse causing addiction and death.

Now we are in that same addiction limbo that defined our culture in the early 1900's. We now know that there are millions of people in our country born with the genetic disposition for addiction and if we flaunt legally prescribed addictive medicines in front of them day after day, it's most likely that they will succumb to their disease.  They will continually seek and take what is prescribed for their pain, regardless of the harmful consequences from their overuse prompted by their disease.  Then they will take more and more until they run out of prescription renewals and will continue their habit with illegal heroin – usually injected.  This is the definition of addiction and this is what is going on now.  It is exactly what happened in the late 1800's and early 1900's. Based just on media reports, this is a dangerous pattern with very serious consequences including addiction and death.

In my post to nj.com, September 20, 2010 below, "A Beginning Solution to the Burgeoning Problem of Prescription Drug Abuse and Addiction," I spoke about

"A new online tracking system approved by State Health Regulations on August 2010.  This new system would appear to help pharmacists and physicians fight the growing problems of prescription drug abuse. The new system also should prove helpful for law enforcement agencies fighting drug dealers who obtain prescription pain killers to sell for profits."

New Jersey's Prescription Monitoring Program appears to have been implemented just recently on March 1, 2014.  Here is the summary of the law:

For too many New Jerseyans, addiction begins in the medicine cabinet.  Please be advised that beginning March 1, 2014, pharmacies will be required to report information to the NJPMP on a weekly basis using the ASAP 4.2 format. However, in order to help facilitate any software conversion that may be necessary, the NJPMP will continue to accept submissions using the ASAP 4.0, 4.1/2009 format until September 1, 2014

The New Jersey Prescription Monitoring Program (NJPMP) is an important component of the New Jersey Division of Consumer Affairs' initiative to halt the abuse and diversion of prescription drugs.

Established pursuant to N.J.S.A. 45:1-45 et. seq., the NJPMP is a statewide database that collects prescription data on Controlled Dangerous Substances (CDS) and Human Growth Hormone (HGH) dispensed in outpatient settings in New Jersey, and by out-of-state pharmacies dispensing into New Jersey. Pharmacies are required to submit this data at least twice per month.

In a recent report in the Ledger – see below:

"Purdue Pharma, the maker of OxyContin, says it has completed testing of an abuse-resistant version of the painkiller hydrocodone, a surprise development that could derail sales of the recently introduced Zohydro, a powerful pain medication that has been heavily criticized for lacking such safeguards."  Zohydro is an addictive medicine.

Time will tell if Purdue's new "abuse-resistant" and non-addictive painkiller will work but it would be a real achievement if we could develop a non-addictive painkiller.  However, as long as there are addictive painkiller's available that will "get the patient high," most people will likely stick with the product that makes them happy, gets them feeling "high" as well as reducing their pain.

Here's what will happen if history is a predictor: People in pain or not in pain will pursue the legal "painkiller" that gets them high and that continues to make them feel good. Heroin use and abuse will accelerate since it fills the bill, and it will become a major problem for our society. It has the best track record for getting people mellow or stoned and out of pain as well as seriously addicted.

Our culture seems to be in a pleasure seeking mode and people tend to get uppity when you try to tell them what they shouldn't put into their bodies.  "I'll take what I want and no law can stop me.  It's my right as a citizen of this free US of A."  That sounds fine until someone shows that he or she doesn't have the judgment to know "when to say when."  This is not so uncommon considering the millions of Americans who have ignored their disease and become out of control alcoholics and addicts.  Now someone's innocent child is killed in an auto accident as a result of an over drugged driver.  My mom would use this phrase: "Your liberty ends where my nose begins."  A person over medicated and driving erratically down the highway has no right to hurt or kill others.  If the excessive medication, or drugs or alcohol puts others at risk, the law must step in to clarify the boundaries.  Unfortunately the disease of addiction knows no such boundaries and the disease can and has hurt self and others.

We all must be alert to the signs of the disease of alcohol, drug and food addiction and we can keep it simple: increasing use and overuse and abuse of these substances plus the genetic disposition for addiction will define your potential as an addict – food, drink or drugs.  Awareness, control and moderation are three watchwords for preventing this slow creeping disease that often won't show its destructive face for years and even decades but when it does, it may be too late.

Never mind what's your “right.”  This is the rationalization I've heard from many an addict.  Take a look at your own substance use over time.  Is it increasing, little by little?  Awareness, moderation or total abstinence may set a safe path for you to remain functional and reasonably happy and safe living with your disease.

 

What it takes to turn around a long term addict

By David H. Kerr, February 10, 2014

“That anger at what he said, maybe because it was starting to look true, that’s what kept me going.”

 The following interview with a long term clean and sober employed recovering person, has been taken from my soon to be published book called “The Voices of Integrity.”

 Dave K.: What are your thoughts about the long, tough treatment program you went through?  Did that somehow put a scar on you?

Ernie M.: “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. That’s what Nietzsche said. 

Dave K.: Well, the reason I asked is that you’ve been through a tough Therapeutic Community program. You admit that you felt humiliated at times and that you were confronted about your lies and deception. Did that leave a scar or how did that affect you as you look back?

Ernie M.: Nah, it didn’t.  This is how I see it:  What’s more humiliating than being locked up, being a drug addict, having guards tell you when to sh—t, when to shower, when you can go here, when you can go there.  You’re locked up like an animal in a cage and then working for 30 cents a day.  That prison experience is the most humiliating thing.  But you know it’s good to put pressure on people to confront the reality and to help them develop some calluses on the belly because basically drug addicts need to develop some moral fiber and some inner strength, not to buckle over and weep and run away from their problems. I think that is the idea of the long term Therapeutic Community: “You are here to change, and you’re not gonna let anything run you out the door.”

“Anger at what was said and those who confronted me kept me going. I’m not going to let anyone drive me out of this place.” You have to make a decision, you know what I mean, and I was determined to stay. There were a few times I thought of splitting though. I remember one time saying:’ this is bullshit, but I knew if I split, I’m gonna pick up another escape charge and I’m back to prison again. And then it’s like, when you’re doing time and you’re young, in the beginning, it’s no problem. You think you’re tough you know, and you just step it off. But then all of a sudden, you do your nineteenth birthday in jail and your twentieth birthday in prison. Now you’re twenty-two, and you start saying, “I gotta do something.” I remember a parole officer at one time telling me when he met me at the county jail. He said, “You’re the f—ing type of guy that’s gonna do life on the installment plan. And I would say, “F—you, you know what I mean.” I was like I’m not doing life on the installment plan. That anger at what he said, maybe because it was starting to look true, that’s what kept me going.

The person above has been drug free for decades. I’m calling him Ernie.  He has made a new life for himself, attaining top grades in undergraduate and graduate school, earning a Masters Degree and working his way up the ladder in a large corporation to an executive position and a role model to hundreds.  He is now married with a family, a church, and a new positive lifestyle. 

Here’s the question you might ask: What does it take to turn around a long term addict?

  

1.    A mentor, someone who has suffered and overcome the disease of addiction;

2.    An attitude of openness and humility and a strong spiritual commitment;

3.    A commitment to face the disease every day, with resolve, and gratitude, one day at a time;

4.    A resolve to act to replace the hole that results from removing the addiction and accompanying lifestyle, with a new positive drug free lifestyle.  One with new friends, new places, and new values based on remaining clean and sober.  One that shows gratitude, determination, concern for others and a core of spirituality. 

The Grass Can Be Greener Right Damn Now

Every now and again, I think about writing a column from my 'Bad Old Days,' because I sure learned a hell of a lot. But, like the urge to have a cup of coffee or a cigarette, it passes.

This is a Brave New World now, absolutely removed from whatever I was before my recovery began in earnest during August, 2013. Because recovery means giving up some parts of one's life that injured them, that led them to whatever addiction they ended up supporting. Some people who have not experienced addiction will opine it as they will, talking about 'willpower' and 'bad character' by addicts in recovery: I have two words for those detractors and the last word of that phrase ends in "...you."

In my case, my entire life needed giving up: I had bad friends, bad colleagues, a toxic profession, an alcohol-splashed hometown and I had just gotten finished being picked apart by the woman I had shared my life with for six years -- and whatever was left the one after that spent up real quick like. But -- no good as they were, I picked them. Still, oh boy, was I angry...and for years. I built my whole life being a self-made man and between two stray alley cats whatever I had was up in smoke. Goes to show you, nothing is forever and choose wisely when it comes to your bunkmate or it will -- it will -- bite you right in the ass.

If it is possible, I drank even more than usual about all my shit luck, until I ended on the very bottom of the food chain. I think degenerate gambling addicts and horse thieves even ranked above me -- and that's hard to sink below that. Nevertheless, where there is a will, there is a way.

Of all the things I have learned, I know this one for sure: I don't want to live someplace with young people around. I don't understand them and don't have the least inclination to try anymore. I want to be around people my age and try and pretend as best I can it is still 1985 in some gated senior community. This era and this generation are for the birds.

Hey, I come down on this era a lot because I am not really a part of mainstream culture anymore. It's a lot of work giving a damn about what the new widget is out or figuring out how far pants should be worn below a man's ass.

Recovery taught me that life is too short and important to waste one single moment of it on doing something I don't want to do, or beating my head against a wall for no reason. Likewise, living in a world of young people today just sucks. I mean, they live with their parents forever, they are socially awkward because of all the computer use they do, they are just different from my day. God bless them and keep them...but I would like them the hell off my lawn and not living near me. Young people make a lot of noise anyway. Screw that.

The emphasis really needs to be positive. It is the difference between running from something or running to something. I want to run toward continued recovery, good health, very little stress, occasional tickets for the symphony, the museums, a nice ballgame or a play here or there. All this living at the computer is no life really. People don't acquire culture or taste banging away on a keyboard, and that is really missing these days.

It is stressful being around people who have few manners, scruples or traditional sensibility. It's work. Some people want to put it in and I say 'good for you,' but I don't.

If nothing else, recovery taught me to be selfish. I care first and foremost about my recovery from alcohol addiction, everything else has to become second or I will end up in the same gutter I just crawled out of in Keansburg, New Jersey -- the greasy armpit of the Jersey Shore. I had to forget old animosities -- not for the sake of the motherless...people...who screwed me in the past -- but for me. I don't want to carry their lying, back-stabbing weight around in my head anymore. For the most part, I have done it. If nothing else, I evicted quite a few ghostly vagrants from my head. Lots of progress.

No one can really enjoy themselves thinking of the Bad Old Days, or living in the past. So, I just gave it up like I did red meat and dairy. I like my fun and the people in my life now. So, the 'Angry Jim' personality had to take a slow ride to the vet's office to get put down. It's OK, it was time and then some.

I had to concentrate on the positive. And, it has worked pretty well. People who know me would never know I was a cynical pain in the ass just last year. Further, my plan is for my family and friends now never to see that ugly side to me again -- or me for that matter. Hey, no one lives a perfect life. Shit happens. If you did something stupid, pick yourself up and just don't do it again. Now forgiving yourself for indulging in nonsense -- that takes a little more time.

I was screwed, blued and tattooed financially by not one but two broads I was associated with a couple years ago now. During that terrible time, I was a dope, and these girls took me like Grant took Richmond and bled me like a vampire bat does a milking cow for dinner. Well, money is only money...but more important than money is someone's time: Once time is gone, it stays gone. It's the most valuable commodity we each have. I'm not wasting mine, and haven't for a while now.

I look at those sunsets now. I am as healthy as I can be in my condition and have lost 30 pounds responsibly in the last few months. And, my life is as complete as it gets for anyone right now. Do I miss the money, my house, my dog and my parking spot at my Freehold, NJ condo? Not really. Not anymore. Life can feel wonderful again without a lot of trappings. Meanwhile, that former life of mine was as rotten as rat laying in a port-a-john: no wonder I drank. All anyone has to do is want to change. I did and I love the result. Those years that flipped by when I was lost in my disease...that is gone. If someone remembers it from my life back then they don't have a lot to do. Anyway, there is an old saying about "people, places and things" when it comes to folks in recovery, and it goes something like this -- lose them.

Think about it...sometimes dropping into a new life, and dropping out of the old one can give you a new perspective, a whole new lease on life. Just remember, though, those old commitments are there until they get cleared up and your responsibilities get honored; then and only then can you (or me, in my case) get rid of them.

What it all really comes down to, though, is that the grass can be greener by you or me just saying it's time to stop laying so much fertilizer down beneath our feet. Well, now that I have dazzled you with my collection of Civil War and farming metaphors, I guess I can call it a night.

As always, thanks for stopping by and...seeya later...alligators.

COPING WITH PHYSICAL INJURY...'CHARLIE MIKE'

Pablo Picasso self-portrait

"Charlie Mike" is an expression I learned in the U.S. Army, which simply means "continue mission." However, it is also an answer to things that are important during times of decision. For example, if someone were to say to themselves, 'It's too cold out to go running this morning, I don't want to do it.' Then, there is this little voice in the back of your head that yells to get the heck out of bed and stop sniveling; that is Charlie Mike.

Any athlete or physical fitness enthusiast knows about determination through adversity -- all kinds of adversity. However, though Charlie Mike is tough to apply to healthy athletes at all times, it is even harder to apply to injured athletes or physically active people recovering from injury. Sure, all of us should do what we have to do, whether that is physical conditioning or in recovery. Recovery can be very hard, though, depending upon the injury. And, there are times when it takes a real kick in someone's ass to get them on track. Unfortunately, only the individual concerned can provide that kick in the ass, for the most part.

When I was a paratrooper in the U.S. Army, I was in supremely good physical condition, and after the Army I pursued a physically active lifestyle that included a reasonable amount of conditioning. I had been injured on multiple occasions while I was in the service but nothing was really manifesting as permanent. Specifically, I had injured my shoulder and knees, as well as my head. But, then one day -- those bad knees raised their ugly head.

I was running along Martin Luther King Boulevard in Tampa, Florida in a one-mile run (which I did a few times a week) and, while running across an overpass, my left knee just went out like it had been hit by a shotgun blast. I had no idea what happened. I was shocked, confused and scared -- all at once. I reasoned, 'This must be a mistake.' So, I tried to get up...and that left knee was not going to walk: period.

My house was about a half-mile away, not too far away from the stadium where the Buccaneers play. Consequently, I limped home slowly, my left leg as useless as a dead piece of wood. It was excruciating. And, my right knee was barking like mad compensating for the left one. All of a sudden, my life went from another nice jog on a sunny day to 'What the Hell is happening!?'

Eventually I got home, of course. I called out from work and went to the Tampa Veteran's Administration hospital there in town and some Doc said my knees (both of them) were over-used. I said they couldn't be, I had a nice, reasonable schedule of fitness but nothing crazy. Well, my days giving 110-percent to my Uncle Sam had come back home to roost.

Now came the real issue in recovery: Beyond giving my knees "a rest," as the Doc said, how was I going to be able to trust my knees again not to let me down out there on the road while running or jogging? As a soldier, and before I entered the Army when I was an athlete, I had come to take my knees for granted -- pushing them to do whatever they had to do. Now, though, things were different.

Someone who is healthy and whose parts all work can sometimes feel unbeatable; I did. But, injury creates doubt in the mind of someone with their closest friend -- they're body. A body part gone 'rogue,' as I saw it, was no better than a cheating spouse or a door-to-door used vacuum cleaner salesman. I couldn't trust either the cheating spouse or the salesman as far as I could throw them, so now the same could be said of my knee. Without that trust, how the heck was I going to run on it?

The way the story goes, I never did trust it again and I never ran on the thing. Eventually, my left shoulder injury made itself large and in-charge and I, similarly, stopped trusting it and gave into the injury. The knees giving way happened just a few years after the military, in my late 20s. The shoulder made itself apparent again in my late 30s. Only now, at almost 50, have I decided to deal with these once and for all, up to and including surgery.

I was frightened. I was scared of my own body. I felt like it betrayed me and couldn't be trusted anymore. It had let me down. And, then I let these let-downs become a part of my depression and then I was off to the races: full-time, all-the-time self-pity. I wasn't shy about telling anyone how miserable I was about being all gimpy. I reckon I enjoyed doing that a lot, because I said the same stuff for almost 10 years. Someone can shovel a lot of BS over a decade, and I did.

What I did was allow my injuries to control me. I took that ride to the illogical conclusion of having to give up on my physicality (and that sure as hell doesn't look good in a mirror, folks). It was not a physical obstacle that took me out of this game, it was a mental one -- a psychological one.

In my day-to-day life, people who know me would tell you I have big trust issues, just like a lot of people do. But, what does it say when someone does not even trust their own body not to perform, so they just stop an activity altogether. I know I am not the only one who has done that.

So where is the advice here? OK, here it is: Go to the doctor, get treated in whatever way competent medical doctors come up with, do what you are told during recovery....but then it's back to Charlie Mike and get our ass out of bed again to fight for what is yours -- your body.

No, I didn't fight for mine. I took counsel in my fears; and you know what that got me? Nothing. A size 44 waist and a body weight I do not feel comfortable sharing with the world. The price for not getting back in the saddle after an injury is becoming someone you might not have envisioned yourself to become.

I'm not saying this is an easy thing, to hop back up on the horse again. But, it is really the only thing. Of course, always clear your work-out regime with your doctor first, but at some point it comes to getting your ass going and not fretting anymore about what's going to work or not. Not everything in life is going to be easy.

I see people who have overcome horrible injuries all the time, doing well and being an example of what can happen if hard work is combined with determination. Sadly, I was not among those people in earlier years. Though I may not be a young buck anymore, I have decided to do as best as I can today to get back into shape. Sure, maybe I missed the train when I was a young man, but I just caught the late shuttle is all. It is never too late to try in this life until you're taking a dirt nap. And, that is the truth.

Work with medical professionals, though. Do not try to do anything alone where it involves an injury. Trying to be one's own doctor is insane: Don't do it. Go to a doctor, do what they recommend and get through whatever you have to because if you ignore your body -- well, your body won't go away but there sure as hell will be a lot more of it.

Have a happy new year everyone. All the best.