The Grass Can Be Greener Right Damn Now

Every now and again, I think about writing a column from my 'Bad Old Days,' because I sure learned a hell of a lot. But, like the urge to have a cup of coffee or a cigarette, it passes.

This is a Brave New World now, absolutely removed from whatever I was before my recovery began in earnest during August, 2013. Because recovery means giving up some parts of one's life that injured them, that led them to whatever addiction they ended up supporting. Some people who have not experienced addiction will opine it as they will, talking about 'willpower' and 'bad character' by addicts in recovery: I have two words for those detractors and the last word of that phrase ends in "...you."

In my case, my entire life needed giving up: I had bad friends, bad colleagues, a toxic profession, an alcohol-splashed hometown and I had just gotten finished being picked apart by the woman I had shared my life with for six years -- and whatever was left the one after that spent up real quick like. But -- no good as they were, I picked them. Still, oh boy, was I angry...and for years. I built my whole life being a self-made man and between two stray alley cats whatever I had was up in smoke. Goes to show you, nothing is forever and choose wisely when it comes to your bunkmate or it will -- it will -- bite you right in the ass.

If it is possible, I drank even more than usual about all my shit luck, until I ended on the very bottom of the food chain. I think degenerate gambling addicts and horse thieves even ranked above me -- and that's hard to sink below that. Nevertheless, where there is a will, there is a way.

Of all the things I have learned, I know this one for sure: I don't want to live someplace with young people around. I don't understand them and don't have the least inclination to try anymore. I want to be around people my age and try and pretend as best I can it is still 1985 in some gated senior community. This era and this generation are for the birds.

Hey, I come down on this era a lot because I am not really a part of mainstream culture anymore. It's a lot of work giving a damn about what the new widget is out or figuring out how far pants should be worn below a man's ass.

Recovery taught me that life is too short and important to waste one single moment of it on doing something I don't want to do, or beating my head against a wall for no reason. Likewise, living in a world of young people today just sucks. I mean, they live with their parents forever, they are socially awkward because of all the computer use they do, they are just different from my day. God bless them and keep them...but I would like them the hell off my lawn and not living near me. Young people make a lot of noise anyway. Screw that.

The emphasis really needs to be positive. It is the difference between running from something or running to something. I want to run toward continued recovery, good health, very little stress, occasional tickets for the symphony, the museums, a nice ballgame or a play here or there. All this living at the computer is no life really. People don't acquire culture or taste banging away on a keyboard, and that is really missing these days.

It is stressful being around people who have few manners, scruples or traditional sensibility. It's work. Some people want to put it in and I say 'good for you,' but I don't.

If nothing else, recovery taught me to be selfish. I care first and foremost about my recovery from alcohol addiction, everything else has to become second or I will end up in the same gutter I just crawled out of in Keansburg, New Jersey -- the greasy armpit of the Jersey Shore. I had to forget old animosities -- not for the sake of the motherless...people...who screwed me in the past -- but for me. I don't want to carry their lying, back-stabbing weight around in my head anymore. For the most part, I have done it. If nothing else, I evicted quite a few ghostly vagrants from my head. Lots of progress.

No one can really enjoy themselves thinking of the Bad Old Days, or living in the past. So, I just gave it up like I did red meat and dairy. I like my fun and the people in my life now. So, the 'Angry Jim' personality had to take a slow ride to the vet's office to get put down. It's OK, it was time and then some.

I had to concentrate on the positive. And, it has worked pretty well. People who know me would never know I was a cynical pain in the ass just last year. Further, my plan is for my family and friends now never to see that ugly side to me again -- or me for that matter. Hey, no one lives a perfect life. Shit happens. If you did something stupid, pick yourself up and just don't do it again. Now forgiving yourself for indulging in nonsense -- that takes a little more time.

I was screwed, blued and tattooed financially by not one but two broads I was associated with a couple years ago now. During that terrible time, I was a dope, and these girls took me like Grant took Richmond and bled me like a vampire bat does a milking cow for dinner. Well, money is only money...but more important than money is someone's time: Once time is gone, it stays gone. It's the most valuable commodity we each have. I'm not wasting mine, and haven't for a while now.

I look at those sunsets now. I am as healthy as I can be in my condition and have lost 30 pounds responsibly in the last few months. And, my life is as complete as it gets for anyone right now. Do I miss the money, my house, my dog and my parking spot at my Freehold, NJ condo? Not really. Not anymore. Life can feel wonderful again without a lot of trappings. Meanwhile, that former life of mine was as rotten as rat laying in a port-a-john: no wonder I drank. All anyone has to do is want to change. I did and I love the result. Those years that flipped by when I was lost in my disease...that is gone. If someone remembers it from my life back then they don't have a lot to do. Anyway, there is an old saying about "people, places and things" when it comes to folks in recovery, and it goes something like this -- lose them.

Think about it...sometimes dropping into a new life, and dropping out of the old one can give you a new perspective, a whole new lease on life. Just remember, though, those old commitments are there until they get cleared up and your responsibilities get honored; then and only then can you (or me, in my case) get rid of them.

What it all really comes down to, though, is that the grass can be greener by you or me just saying it's time to stop laying so much fertilizer down beneath our feet. Well, now that I have dazzled you with my collection of Civil War and farming metaphors, I guess I can call it a night.

As always, thanks for stopping by and...seeya later...alligators.