The Grass Can Be Greener Right Damn Now

Every now and again, I think about writing a column from my 'Bad Old Days,' because I sure learned a hell of a lot. But, like the urge to have a cup of coffee or a cigarette, it passes.

This is a Brave New World now, absolutely removed from whatever I was before my recovery began in earnest during August, 2013. Because recovery means giving up some parts of one's life that injured them, that led them to whatever addiction they ended up supporting. Some people who have not experienced addiction will opine it as they will, talking about 'willpower' and 'bad character' by addicts in recovery: I have two words for those detractors and the last word of that phrase ends in "...you."

In my case, my entire life needed giving up: I had bad friends, bad colleagues, a toxic profession, an alcohol-splashed hometown and I had just gotten finished being picked apart by the woman I had shared my life with for six years -- and whatever was left the one after that spent up real quick like. But -- no good as they were, I picked them. Still, oh boy, was I angry...and for years. I built my whole life being a self-made man and between two stray alley cats whatever I had was up in smoke. Goes to show you, nothing is forever and choose wisely when it comes to your bunkmate or it will -- it will -- bite you right in the ass.

If it is possible, I drank even more than usual about all my shit luck, until I ended on the very bottom of the food chain. I think degenerate gambling addicts and horse thieves even ranked above me -- and that's hard to sink below that. Nevertheless, where there is a will, there is a way.

Of all the things I have learned, I know this one for sure: I don't want to live someplace with young people around. I don't understand them and don't have the least inclination to try anymore. I want to be around people my age and try and pretend as best I can it is still 1985 in some gated senior community. This era and this generation are for the birds.

Hey, I come down on this era a lot because I am not really a part of mainstream culture anymore. It's a lot of work giving a damn about what the new widget is out or figuring out how far pants should be worn below a man's ass.

Recovery taught me that life is too short and important to waste one single moment of it on doing something I don't want to do, or beating my head against a wall for no reason. Likewise, living in a world of young people today just sucks. I mean, they live with their parents forever, they are socially awkward because of all the computer use they do, they are just different from my day. God bless them and keep them...but I would like them the hell off my lawn and not living near me. Young people make a lot of noise anyway. Screw that.

The emphasis really needs to be positive. It is the difference between running from something or running to something. I want to run toward continued recovery, good health, very little stress, occasional tickets for the symphony, the museums, a nice ballgame or a play here or there. All this living at the computer is no life really. People don't acquire culture or taste banging away on a keyboard, and that is really missing these days.

It is stressful being around people who have few manners, scruples or traditional sensibility. It's work. Some people want to put it in and I say 'good for you,' but I don't.

If nothing else, recovery taught me to be selfish. I care first and foremost about my recovery from alcohol addiction, everything else has to become second or I will end up in the same gutter I just crawled out of in Keansburg, New Jersey -- the greasy armpit of the Jersey Shore. I had to forget old animosities -- not for the sake of the motherless...people...who screwed me in the past -- but for me. I don't want to carry their lying, back-stabbing weight around in my head anymore. For the most part, I have done it. If nothing else, I evicted quite a few ghostly vagrants from my head. Lots of progress.

No one can really enjoy themselves thinking of the Bad Old Days, or living in the past. So, I just gave it up like I did red meat and dairy. I like my fun and the people in my life now. So, the 'Angry Jim' personality had to take a slow ride to the vet's office to get put down. It's OK, it was time and then some.

I had to concentrate on the positive. And, it has worked pretty well. People who know me would never know I was a cynical pain in the ass just last year. Further, my plan is for my family and friends now never to see that ugly side to me again -- or me for that matter. Hey, no one lives a perfect life. Shit happens. If you did something stupid, pick yourself up and just don't do it again. Now forgiving yourself for indulging in nonsense -- that takes a little more time.

I was screwed, blued and tattooed financially by not one but two broads I was associated with a couple years ago now. During that terrible time, I was a dope, and these girls took me like Grant took Richmond and bled me like a vampire bat does a milking cow for dinner. Well, money is only money...but more important than money is someone's time: Once time is gone, it stays gone. It's the most valuable commodity we each have. I'm not wasting mine, and haven't for a while now.

I look at those sunsets now. I am as healthy as I can be in my condition and have lost 30 pounds responsibly in the last few months. And, my life is as complete as it gets for anyone right now. Do I miss the money, my house, my dog and my parking spot at my Freehold, NJ condo? Not really. Not anymore. Life can feel wonderful again without a lot of trappings. Meanwhile, that former life of mine was as rotten as rat laying in a port-a-john: no wonder I drank. All anyone has to do is want to change. I did and I love the result. Those years that flipped by when I was lost in my disease...that is gone. If someone remembers it from my life back then they don't have a lot to do. Anyway, there is an old saying about "people, places and things" when it comes to folks in recovery, and it goes something like this -- lose them.

Think about it...sometimes dropping into a new life, and dropping out of the old one can give you a new perspective, a whole new lease on life. Just remember, though, those old commitments are there until they get cleared up and your responsibilities get honored; then and only then can you (or me, in my case) get rid of them.

What it all really comes down to, though, is that the grass can be greener by you or me just saying it's time to stop laying so much fertilizer down beneath our feet. Well, now that I have dazzled you with my collection of Civil War and farming metaphors, I guess I can call it a night.

As always, thanks for stopping by and...seeya later...alligators.

THE DEVIL! The Untold Story

It's just another day at the office for the Devil in this depiction.

Is there a Devil? Emphatically 'Yes' and I've seen him.

Lucifer is, of course, the Devil. Lucifer is reported to be a fallen angel, who rebelled against God and was cast down to Hell with his followers, who became demons in the Pit (as Hell is also known). The Archangel, Saint Michael, is reputed to have bested the Devil/Fallen One in personal combat, sending him reeling in defeat. So now, Lucifer's 'job,' if you will, is luring and tricking humanity into straying from the righteous path of God. At this, he has much practice and many instances of success.

It is said that, in Hell, his domain, Satan/the Devil tortures the souls of the damned for all time, as they pay for their sins in his fiery realm. Satan has been depicted as having a ram's horns growing from his head, possessing a tail, with his feet being replaced by cloven hooves as he carries a pitchfork to reap the souls of the wayward.

I have not seen that Devil. I have seen the Devil in me, as I ruined my life with pride, lust, addiction, avarice, greed, envy and sloth. Yes, I have seen that Devil, and he has been a fearsome foe my whole life long. I have battled him and fought him and I have won some and lost a lot. Hopefully, though, my story is finished with a final victory after being in retreat after a score of humiliating defeats. It sounds a little like the American Revolution there, doesn't it?

How many times I was passive as the Devil attacked my psyche and my life I cannot recall. How many times he stole love, my home, integrity, faith and loved ones right out in front of me just when I thought I might find my way back. Make no mistake, the Devil I am talking about is far more dangerous than a distorted vision of humanity. The Devil that I believe is there dwells not within a fiery realm, but within our own hearts, our own minds. He is the worst parts of ourselves, which has been turned into a character in religion.

Oh, it doesn't matter what form the Devil may take. He lives and breathes and is there, on the job, every single day our eyes awake to this better-than-all-other-worlds planet. And, Lucifer will claim your soul, if you let him. The greatest victory ever won by Satan was that he got people to believe he doesn't exist. Well, he does. The Devil is in my heart and yours. No one of the flesh is without sin, and as we battle our personal demons -- we fight the Devil in earnest. When any of us fights against the Devil, they fight an awful challenger but one that can be defeated.


Faith is a real part of our own salvation. How can it not be?

I'm not going to say that running to a Church is the way to go, or running into a therapist's office, though those are good ideas for a balanced life, no doubt, I think. The greatest gift and curse mankind ever got was free will. Each of us determines what is right or wrong for themselves, and God gave that to us. In history, there have been evil men who thought they should regulate people's freedom and they are the worst sort, whom I hope reaped their rewards for such a heinous atrocity.

Nevertheless, freedom belongs to every soul born on this earth. But, behind every decision we make stands the Devil, trying hard to influence what path we take. So, I believe if someone is doing what they can, within a reasonable understanding, to be healthy (regardless of how well or not well they pursued this before), and they are seeking or pursuing actual medical treatment for their ills, they are on the road to salvation.  If someone is making a legitimate effort to reconnect with their higher power, regardless in what form that effort takes, then I think that person is on the road to salvation. Because someone fighting to come back from hard times through faith and trust in their higher power is a moving target that is going to escape the grasp of evil more times than not. It's faith that saves them, and why not call that response by God 'Amazing Grace' while we're at it.

In my experience, it is hunger, anger, loneliness and being tired that sparks bad decisions in the moment. However, poverty, illness, injury, addiction, unemployment, homelessness, hunger, fear, loss and hard times can be the setting that will fan the flames of poor decision making. By addressing the real needs each of us have in this world, then we make ourselves stronger against the tide of evil and not weaker.

For myself, I never believed any person, be it pastor, pope, pontiff or Presbyterian, has any more of a connection to God than I do when I wake up and greet Him good morning. When I pray to God, I do not need to be in a Church with incense burning (though that is a lovely environment). God hears me just fine, and that comes with Him being omniscient.



Heading back to sanity is our choice.

All I have to do is try. But, I have to try to make my own life better using that free will that so often got my ass in trouble in the first place. Irony, isn't it?

Rather than using my free will to find a liquor store or talk shit, start a fight or stagger down a street, I have to use that free will to eat healthy, listen to my doctors and do my best in all things. And, that is work. Recovery is not always fun, but it has phenomenal rewards. It is living responsibly and living in such a way makes me a harder target for the Devil to hit. The target becomes even harder to hit when I reach my hands out to come home to the Lord, in my case. I've reconciled with God and my soul is calmer -- and I did it without sending even one well-dressed minister lunch money. Yeah, God doesn't need money.

I would be missing the point of this whole journey if I ever forgot that I was as bad a sinner as there has been. No, not the greatest sinner, but a sinner no less. I don't think being is a sinner is like taking karate, where you get belts to show ranks. I am no better than an alcoholic in the throes of his or her illness because I do not drink for today. It is the brokenness that engulfed me that has given me the want to reach out to people and help in the little ways one person can to another. Yes, I lead a better life today, a sane one, a rational one and one rooted in faith for the God that slept beside me when I was homeless, living in a snow-bound hobo camp in Nebraska during the winter of 2011. Yes, He was there.

So, in my life, I have seen God and the Devil. Both of them are as real to me as my next-door neighbor. Both of them have business with me, but it is up to me whether I listen to my better angels or fall prey to my darker ones. In the end, though, it's all my choice.

It came upon a midnight clear

My Dad was 10 in 1929, when the worlds of so many people he knew crashed all around him during the “Great Crash,” and that event is widely believed to have caused the Great Depression. If someone doesn’t understand the references, look it up -- I’m not teaching history here.

Well, 2009 might as well have been the Great Crash for me. Then, 2011 was really the end of my old life, which wasn’t so bad really. Between 2011 and 2013 I found my bottom, and was it a pip.

This column isn’t about what was lost, though. Because people lose things; all kinds of things get lost over time, from people to things, money and possessions, reputations and dreams. It is truly a wonderful life, but not everything is going to turn out sweet as pie at all times.

As advice, I would say people are the worst investment I ever put stock in, by and large. Still, if I hadn’t done that, went through the good times and the very hard ones, seen what hell looked like from the cheap seats and found some kind of redemption along the way -- well, it wouldn’t have been the life I am so very proud of and pleased about.

Here is a news break for the kids out there, or those who have suffered getting hit in the head with something big and heavy: Hard times comes and hard times go. Sometimes, plans work for people and sometimes they don’t. No one can control the world around them and believing they can will do nothing but disappoint someone and make them cry for a long time  But, the good news is very good: There is something good even in hard times, the worst of hard times.

I am never going to get back the things I lost in this life, but do any of us actually ‘own’ anything anyway? We rent our houses, which will eventually be owned by someone else. We only handle ‘our money’ because, eventually, it always ends up in someone else’s pocket: Last time I checked no one has a checking account in either heaven or hell. Loved ones, for as hurtful as it can be, will come and go more often than anyone wants. But through everything, if you can find and keep yourself -- you own everything you ever need in this world or the next.

Christmas has never been a big holiday for me. Hard times feel all the harder when there are holiday trees and all those people smiling and gushing cheer all over the place. If someone isn’t feeling good about their life, the first thing they will make a joke about is Christmas; because somewhere down deep they are miserable. Well, being ticked off at life is easy enough to do -- lots of things suck and that is no lie.

It is easy to hate the cards one has been dealt, because the dealer isn’t fair and is sometimes so repugnant you can smell him before you see him. Nevertheless, no one can take anything of value from someone if that someone possesses the one thing that is waterproof, fire-proof and even death-proof: Themselves. No one can stop the tides, hard luck or bad weather but they can like who they see in the mirror and have a little sympathy for the guy. Hell, I will go one further. Being the best friend to yourself will prevent one from living or dying hopeless -- because if you are your own best friend then you’ll never be alone and between you, your best friend and the Lord (whom I believe has walked with me every day in my hard times) you can even have a good game of cards.

Life is a gift. Even the bad parts of it is a gift. Sure, it is not always a gift one wants or even likes, but if someone lets the hard times do their best then, one day, they can look up and maybe they’ll have one more reason than they did the day before for getting out of bed. And, after that, they may come up with another one. And, so on. And, so on.

This is Christmas: A time when people should be kind to one another and overjoyed that the Lord gave them the life he did. At least that is what is on the marquee. I don’t believe people are all that nice (at least not in this day and age if they ever were). As a matter of fact, I don’t put a shot glass full of confidence in the better angels of humanity, as a rule of thumb. But, I have come to believe in the Lord and myself -- the greatest gift a man entering his last act can have. So, the sun is a little brighter, the birds chirp a bit louder and, having acknowledged that this life never will be that “Wonderful Life” Jimmy Stewart knew or Andy Griffith’s “Mayberry RFD,” I look at things around me for what they are and I can like them well enough.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not happy I was ruined or that those who helped me out in getting ruined did it. Still, last time I checked I’m not in charge of anyone but me. There is someone who is in charge of sorting out what people did and didn’t do, and I’m not talking about Judge Judy. I don’t have to carry the weight of the world, or anyone else’s weight for that matter. Heck, I have my own problems just fending off another piece of pie for dinner.

I lived through the hard times, though, despite horrible, horrible experiences. Those experiences don’t own me anymore, as much as they have been lived and are simply a part of the record where I am involved.

There are special people in my life today, and they don’t expect a damn thing from me other than that I try and do the best I can day to day. God put them in my life and I am really happy about that. And, the people he took away, I guess he knew what he was doing with that too.

If you are reading this and you’re life has been going fine and everything is just wonderful, well this is wasted on you. God bless and may the road rise to meet you still. But, if you are down-and-out, if you are looking at the wolf at the door and he is either getting in or he is walking around the living room -- and it seems like all hope is lost -- I’m here to tell you it isn’t.

Sure, things are going to suck for a while. And, don’t lie to yourself or listen to any of that cheap confection TV ministers are shoveling at you: Not everything is roses and its not supposed to be. Sometimes, you take your licks and go through a little hell. Maybe some violence will be done to your spirit, body and mind. Never think you’re alone, though. There really is a God. If someone doesn’t believe that I really don’t give a damn. The Lord doesn’t need me to ring doorbells for him. I’ll just say he is there and leave it at that.

This world is really very beautiful, even with the muck and mire in it here and there. It’s definitely worth a good long look. When you’re out of money and luck, don’t throw your cards in -- it gets better. If you hang around long enough good stuff will happen. Just look at high school, all you have to do is show up enough and you can be the dumbest bump on the log out there and they’re still going to hand you a piece of paper one day saying you graduated. Maybe life is just a little like that, I don’t know.

So even if you’re not having the happiest of Christmases this year, not to worry. Hang around long enough, do your best not to be stupid (even if you’ve previously made a career out of it) and good things will happen. No one is perfect and everyone deserves a second, third or even fourth chance. There was only one perfect man in this world, and we killed him for it. So, if you are a screw up trying to dig yourself out of a big ass hole, not to worry, there are a whole lot of other people digging right next to you.

Oh, and if you ever have another shot at love (I don’t mean the insane kind) -- do it. I am pretty sure it’s why we were put on this earth in the first place.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!