The only journey worthwhile is the one toward peace

By Rev. Jim Purcell (Ret.)

Searching for peace is the only journey that makes sense

I have been wanting to write for a little while. But, I have been genuinely happy for a bit now. And, where writing used to be an outlet I would use when I was feeling good or bad, I find these days I write more when I am bored or just going through the motions. I also write through obligation, which is what this is. However, I am so humbled by the readership to this blog and believe it is a commitment to regularly write in this space.

So, this is good. For those who read me from time to time, I am always talking about being selfish and caring about yourself first and how you feel as you get older. Well, I talk it and I walk it.

When things come up with me, I deal with them head-on these days and get through it without any drama. Then, I concentrate on doing things I like a lot. Strangely enough, good people get attracted to other people who take care of themselves and focus upon God and their centeredness; then I tend to hang out with positive people and we have a good time. No one screaming, calling anyone names or making life a bother.

I will tell you this -- it is downright addictive. Oh, and speaking of: I have had my fair share of people I loved lost, in one way or another, for many years now. It is sad when loss happens. But, focusing on loss does little to resolve it. Loss is only to be gotten over, life teaches. For me, I started really living within what I perceive to be God's plan and it is going swimmingly.

In AA, there is always this thought (purposeful or not) that if alcoholics begin to enjoy their lives too much then they are losing track of their sobriety, forgetting the hard times. In response to that, I would say this, I lost my family when I was active in my addiction (my children, my fiancée); my loved ones turned like rabid dogs on me;  I lost my house (a big one and a condo too) and all my money to false friends and 'loved ones'; I lost my car(s) (which I liked); I lost my drivers license through DWI (got depressed when I didn't get calls on my birthday (nuts!)); I slept outside in the snow in Nebraska during winter -- homeless; I was treated like an animal working at a bar in New Jersey and a gravel factory outside Lincoln, Nebraska and used terribly along with my mates; I suffer seizures still; every friend I had turned their back on me -- well, I don't think I will be forgetting about any of that too soon. I was not so wretched that this should have been my fate -- people took what they wanted from me and left. But, God remained. Only He remained.

AA got me in early sobriety and started convincing me I should apologize to people, it felt like I was supposed to be sorry to everyone. As I became more sober, it occurred to me: Why the hell am I going to chase after a group of people who stabbed me in the back and took my money, used me for position, or for their own agendas? I have nothing to apologize for to them. I wrote one apology letter and, after a bit of sobriety, I wrote the person I sent my apology to and took it back promptly. Sobriety isn't going to make me the same kind of fool addiction did.

AA is many things to many people. How I feel about AA is not how all, or even most, other people feel. It is a wonderful organization and has helped so many. For me, though...thanks and I'll find my strength in God alone.

I do not drink today. Barring Alzheimer's or Dementia I'm not drinking anymore. But, every day is time to celebrate life. And, I have learned not to waste even a moment on people who do not waste any moments on me. I have had old 'friends' apologize for their conduct while I was in addiction (the only one I ever hurt was myself) -- and took it well. They were bad friends. I don't grind it in -- we know what happened (and there was some money involved here and there). No matter, it is over.

No, I do not run around after people who are not convinced they have something to be contrite about in a past relationship with me. I did some things too, but unilateral apologies are not smart and don't make anyone feel better at all -- especially when they are largely unwarranted. Apologies that have no meaning just plain have no meaning.

Someone's guilt is between them and their God. Where it involves me and my God -- we just got back from a Mets game where the boys won a 4-3 overtime bout that went to the 14th against the Braves. We are having fun, not forgetting that hard times happened but committed to making new, good ones. And, I am not nuts in any way when I say 'we'; in all the time I was homeless (about 3 years), it was only God that saw me through the hardest times -- regardless of whether I was drunk or sober, in the midst of a seizure, or dragging a lesioned, bloody foot while serving booze seven days a week behind a skid row bar in North Middletown, New Jersey. What do I have to apologize to my former 'masters' about, who are in league with dark forces in their quest for a dollar? I was no better than a slave but God was there; a presence that is undefinable and powerful. I made it through being Ground Zero at Superstorm Sandy -- He was there. I made it through being at Ground Zero at the World Trade Center -- He was there. I made it through so many losses -- He was there. He was the only damn one who was there -- proving that I only needed Him and me. Everything and everyone else was optional.

People with dark intentions should be avoided

In general, people do not believe others when they talk about God, because we are in the era of Post Modernism (no one believes anything). Regardless, in God's love I could care less if anyone believes me: God doesn't need me doing His job. When and if He wants to let everyone know He is around then He can do it himself. I write my revelations for me because I am grateful for my past, no matter how nuts. I finally understand, for me, why the good times and the hard ones happened -- and it makes perfect sense finally...and it helps. It calms my heart and restores my soul.

I have been called every horrible thing possible by those who were 'there for me' (lol) and it was so very hypocritical and ridiculous that to remember such 'support' must grant a smile. And, no longer a bitter one. The Lord takes pain from the heart. I am so happy I survived my bout with addictions, homelessness and untreated injuries and psychiatric conditions (all brought about through service). At the end of a dark tunnel can be utter joy, where the pain and ignorant people of the past hold no more sway. Of course, the other route is to self-destruction and every man and woman must decide just which road they will take. It is not for anyone to say or instruct.

There is so much evil in my past, by men and women still there if I were to turn around, still enjoying the profits of their ill-gotten gains of mine. They can have it. I want nothing of it. Their way of living life has cost them their soul, and it is not for me to count their sins. I am busy enough with my own and trying to live a life of peace and love -- and gratitude. I have no more space in my head for evil times. I pray for people and hope they find their way. I know I have and am moved to tears for it. I sleep like a child now...and still kind of act like one. It is a gift I readily accept. God has been good to me.

Good comes to those who search for it. And, it is better to be one of those searching for good than one of those on the Road to Hell. We live in a horrible age, in a doomed society ... but just because people live in such a place is no reason why they cannot ignore it and proceed on their own path, which can be so much more joyful than any other.

(Rev. Jim Purcell is a graduate of the NY Theological Seminary. He is also a former award-winning journalist, whose works have been commended by the U.S. Congress and NJ Legislature, as well as the U.S. Army, among others. In addition, he was an active member of the Civil Rights Movement, who served within the NAACP in the cause of equal justice in America. Finally, Rev. Purcell is a former U.S. Army Sergeant and Paratrooper who served with, among other units, the 82nd Airborne Division and the XVIII Airborne Corps.)