The obsession of staying online: Losing Touch

Relationships were hard enough before computers

PEOPLE ARE ONLINE MORE THAN EVER BEFORE and it has become a fact of life that, for many people, most transactions, business and personal, are completed online. While this is a fact, it is also a fact that how some people see the Internet and its use is generational and not just functional.

I will come right out and say it: I lost a six-year relationship with someone because they could not, would not get off the darn computer.

Not only did this young lady, let's call her "Erica," keep her face buried in one computer, but she usually had two going and her iPhone as well -- all working at the same time. Erica was having her love affair with technology, it wasn't important for me to be in the room, or so I thought.

I sure do wish it was another way, because of all the reasons to end a relationship -- technology being one of the main contributors is absolutely preposterous to my withered, seemingly ancient way of thinking.

Now here comes the insight I gleaned from this: I was born in 1966 and Erica was born in 1982. Our disparity in ages represented not only a wide gulf in cultural experiences and perspectives, but also technological ones.

Technology did not make deep marks upon my perspectives and choices in the 1970s and 80s, when I was in prime developmental years as an adult. Technology was felt in the mainstream most where it involved video gaming for my generation, perhaps here and there in office equipment, but patently nothing that would set the world afire. So, while technology was and is incredibly interesting to me, it will never be the most important way I communicate or be seen as anything other than an implement by me (and I wager I am not the only one from my era).

Meanwhile, Erica came from that generation which grew-up with technology as a near constant companion, almost from the cradle. By the time Erica was a teen, public telephones were becoming more and more scarce. In 1992, when she was 10, New York City had more payphones than any city in the world (50,000). However, within a few years the payphone would shrink into the yellowed pages of history.

Online banking, which is still not strictly done by members of my generation, was an ordinary way of doing business for Erica's generation. "Movies" were less a family or couple's event than they were something seen on a cellphone screen upon first viewing. And, where it involved things like blogging, Facebook, Goodreads, Linked-In, Twitter and Instagram...well, this was how Erica's generation moved socially. To say the least, it was not for me or all that many in my generation. I would say many folks from my era do socializing the old-fashioned way, for the most part, in person.

There are already enough obstacles to May-December relationships, but without really being able to understand the technological norms of someone, and how important that is to them, relationships can be very hard.

I despaired about how many computers Erica was using at home earlier. Yet, Erica was actually working at her full-time job on one computer, working her part-time job on another and speaking to her mother on her iPhone (via Instant Messenger). Working and keep in touch with family is nothing new but how this is done is different from my experience. If I had family to call, I would use the phone. But, if I were calling children, I suppose they would want to communicate with me in much the same way as they would their friends (which may be using text, Instant Messenger or something like that). I couldn't wrap my head around the need to do that all the time.

Times move on, just as they always have

I believe there are important things computers have stolen from young people, and here is my Top 5:

1. The regular use of computers has 'dumbed down' the language for younger people. Simply, they do not speak or write the English language as well as those before them, so that also means they understand its nuances less since they are not entirely fluent in it. I believe it is important to be fluent in at least one language spoken or written;

2. In learning to socialize online first (and primarily) generations of young people in the Age of Technology are more socially awkward and less sophisticated in this way than previous generations. I have never seen so many young people unable to adequately express themselves to each other appropriately or effectively than I have in the generations of people raised alongside technological aids. Home-schooling does not help this at all. This includes both men and women, some of whom have seemed positively baffled at what I see as appropriate, normative dating or relationship parameter;

3. These younger generations are, physically speaking, far less vibrant or energetic than their fathers and mothers or generations before them. They do not play football or baseball on back lots or in school -- they play them on monitor or television screens. Consequently, these generations are physically heavier and less ready at an early age than perhaps ever before. Physical fitness is not fun, per say, to many young people. Fitness is a chore, which many will do or not do as they see fit;

4. With all of the above going on, is it any wonder that, sexually speaking, younger people have changed a great deal from generations of yesteryear. Where young men and women were once, for right or wrong, driven by strong biological urges -- younger generations have a distorted and sometimes bizarre take on sexuality compared to their older counterparts at a comparable age. For the sake of decorum, I will not note my observations in any more detail than that. It is enough to say I have noticed something of a difference; and

5. While male/female archetypes have not always been good in all ways in society, I have found much good in them from time to time. The phrase "ladies" and "gentlemen" can only be loosely applied these days. The computer has robbed kids of so much they have no idea what kinds of attitudes and actions are attached to these phrases. I have noticed a certain degree of androgyny in young people today that is not alarming, per say, since all things change. But, it makes being able to relate to young men and women today more enigmatic and even more challenging, on top of everything else. If anything, men learn what being "a man" is from watching rap videos and popular entertainment, not their fathers, elders or friends. Women learn what it is to be "a woman" from representations of same in popular media. The personal touch is, in my opinion, quite gone.

I am not writing this to discuss the 'horrors' of the computer age or those who live within it. The 'old days' were not better, in so many ways, and were frequently 'worse' than many cultural encounters today. In fact, the computer has transformed society into something new. And, the 'differences' I have noted from when I was younger, in my prime, are, in essence, my issues and not an issue created by the computer or those who grew up with them side-by-side. Still, I think saying there is a 'wider gulf' between my generation and newer ones is not a stretch. In addition, I think it is also fair to say technological advents have made one-on-one communication and empathy harder than, perhaps, ever between older and younger generations.

With all of this as a backdrop, it is not outrageous, I believe, to say that it is more difficult to have a May-December relationship (of any kind) when the scripts of two people can be so different. Literally, even the language seems to be diverging from the two, shaking relationships to the core at times between nuclear families, let alone interpersonal relationships with anyone outside of one's family unit.

May-December relationships have always, in their long history, worked unevenly, as I see it, and as a seasoned veteran of them I would caution anyone against them. However, I will say my time with Erica did give me a good luck into a new day. She was a tour guide into today and tomorrow, as well as a wonderful person, indeed. 

Yet, I am sure that if anyone has read this all the way through it is someone from my generation or earlier, as many younger people today do not or cannot read for long periods of time where it involves anything: 'If it's not in a video it's not worth knowing.'

Without using an "lol" or "lmao" I will conclude this and simply say if you live long enough, you see so much, and it is a pleasure to do so (though not everything may strike everyone as all that pleasurable). I hope I gave at least a few people whom have read this some food for thought.